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Chinese Man + Western Girl
Posted by: ForumEditor ForumEditor's Posts on behalf of Jonna Wibelius.
For more Jonna Wibelius go to SHE in China.
Post time: 20-Oct-2008  15:40
Blogs, Women's, Social, Opinion, Living in China, Chinese Language

Jonna Wibelius is originally Sweden but has spent the last 7 years living in England, Australia, Finland and now China (Shanghai/Suzhou since 2006). SHE in China is her blog about her observations on every day life.

Chinese man + Western girl...isn't a combination you see much of in China.  While Western men often date Chinese girls, it's quite rare to see Western women with Chinese men. Why?

Well, I actually don't know (who does?!) for sure, but I can only guess that it has something to do with one, or many, of the following reasons:

1. Western girls are taller/ have got 'bigger bones' than most Chinese men, and often look/are bigger than Chi men. A girl doesn't want to feel 'bigger' than her men and a man doesn't want to feel smaller than his woman...

2. Culture differences: many Western women are quite independent and used to sharing the house chores with their men. In many Chinese cities, the woman is expected (regardless if she has a full time job or not) to take care of the household, make dinner, and so on, with no additional help from the man (except for if she lives in Shanghai! The Shanghai men are apparently real house helpers). I find it hard to imagine a western woman settling for this when she's been brought up in a completely different society. At least I know I wouldn't.

3. Language barrier (needs no further explanation)

4. Lack of mutual attraction?!
When I first moved to China I caught myself thinking that 'I will never find an Asian man attractive... they are just not my style....' But then, something happened?! I don't know if my eyes needed time to adjust to the different scene or what... but suddenly I started to see attractive Asian men on the streets (China, Korean, Japanese...)

I think it might have something to do with the fact that you first come, and think that everyone looks the same (this goes both ways: many Chinese have told me that they think all western people look the same) and then it takes a while for your eyes to adjust and actually distinct people? Anyways, that's how I felt it was. After something like 8months-1 year I started seeing a lot of attractive Asian men, and the funny thing is, that when I pointed them out to western friends who had just come here/who was here for a visit, they just looked at me and frowned.

Maybe the eye needs some time to get used to things? I don't know what other way to explain it... Nowadays I can think that many Asian men are attractive. When me and one of my girlfriends travelled to Seoul in Jan this year we were both quite amazed how good the guys looked, how well they dressed, and so on. (Although, to me, simply being attracted isn't enough to start dating. There obviously needs to be a personality click as well)

In general, I think Chinese men are more feminine than Western men. A classic example is the 'man bag' that became trendy some years ago... In China a man bag seem to be able to look like a woman's handbag and still be OK for a man to carry around??! (and then there are of course Chinese men carrying around their woman's hand bags... so those shouldn't be mixed up!). Try getting a Western man to do that = instant failure.

Also, Chinese men can go and have a manicure, something that I think I'd have to violently force on my Western bf, if I wanted him to get one (I don't, however!). I also think that Chinese men in general wear tighter clothes and more bright colours than western men .. I don't know, many of them just feel 'more in touch with their feminine side' than western men (I guess I should mention that I moved from Finland to China, and Finland being the most masculine country I have ever lived in -not in a good way!!!) I also get this feeling that Chinese men are a bit more sensitive than western men. I mean, have you ever heard a Western man humming along (loudly) to 'My heart will go on' on the streets!?

So, could I date a Chinese man (IF I was single)?! I don't know. I think my main concern would be the culture differences. I think that a Chinese man would find me very bold, opinionated and obstinate, and I am not sure how he would deal with that? (gosh, I like to put myself in a bright light, don't I?! But I have strong opinions! I could never hide them). Also, I love doing sports?! Meaning: I love sweating. Not considered very feminine in China?

Actually, I don't see myself as being as 'girly girly' as Chinese girls. I like to wear pretty dresses and high heels, but I don't expect present from my bf if he goes travelling, I don't expect my bf to pay for everything (I like to be able to pay for myself!) when we go out, and I would never act like a spoilt child to get what I want. Would this be considered strange to a Chi man, or would he actually appreciate it?

I would looooove to hear from a Western girl who has personal experience from dating a Chinese guy... Or, a Chinese guy who's been dating a Western woman. Maybe all the above reasons I have written down are wrong? Maybe some makes sense? Maybe there are plenty if other reasons that I have forgotten? What do you guys think? Please share!!!

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[Last edited by ForumEditor on 18-Nov-2008  13:49]

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Post by: ScubaSteve  Time: 20-Oct-2008  17:04
"I mean, have you ever heard a Western man humming along (loudly) to 'My heart will go on' on the streets!?"

perhaps, Chinese dudes just have really bad taste in music, did you ever think of that?

this is a silly post. Western dudes like Chinese girls because they're exotic and submissive, not to mention that a lot of ex-pats in China couldn't cut it w/ the ladies back home.

Western chicks aren't really that attracted to Chinese dudes, yes because of the aforementioned smaller bones and height issue, but perhaps you can allow yourself to elaborate: __________________.

Chinese women (according to a Durex condoms poll) are, globally, some of the least likely to regularly achieve orgasm during intercourse, most likely because dudes just don't know what buttons to push. Add on the FACT that most Western women have a longer cervix and you've got a sexual mis-adventure waiting to happen.

hmmmm . . . .
Post by: Top_of_the ...  Time: 22-Oct-2008  10:41
I'm a guy, so maybe I can't really speak for women, or know all of their tastes, but I have met Chinese guys that I think Western chicks can dig. These are guys with charm, talent and self confidence (EG, a talented guitarist who works out at the same gym as I do) and that are quite handsome as well.

The problem with most of these dudes is that they are unfit, thin and weak, and in that sense, somewhat pathetic, and too many of them are computer nerds who spend more time with computer games and chat rooms than real people. I think its a bit of a generational thing and that China's urban environment is very unfriendly to youth. Also, it is generally really boring unless you're ready to spend quite a lot of money.

As for the comment above clearly referring to a "size matters" issue, I think it's incredibly juvenile, and in terms of physiological mechanisms of pleasure, fully backwards. You can have the tiniest tool in the world, but if you know what you're doing, still give chicks the most insane orgasms they've ever experienced, in sets of three. The cocksure simpleton above has about the authority on this subject as a pimply, junior-high school jock. Ignore him. Real women looking for meaningful relationships rarely factor "size" into the equation.
Post by: deliberate  Time: 24-Oct-2008  8:04
You guys are all still (still) talking about old, folklore and pop-culture-based stereotypical beliefs.

You have to look at the glass half full instead of half -empty!

I've been to China 7 times...

I have seen some very masculine HOT and BIG Chinese dudes. Maybe I don't waste time looking at the small, wimpy, computer nerdy, fem Chinese dudes you are all talking about, but I honestly didn't see any like that.

I think that because of different traditions and different needs in their society (Chinese daily life is NOT easy like ours is) their tastes are different... but if you look past the brightly colored clothes or the fact that the dude might not be totally ripped with a 6 pack and might not be a cocky bastard "player" like lots of western "hot" dudes are, then you could see real masculine beauty and strength with Chinese men.

Especially in Qingdao I saw lots of tall, large-framed Chinese men whose faces almost made me drop in my tracks...I mean literally, "drop dead handsome". And they are also "exotic" in that they are "different" than what we're used to...they're (usually) not as "cocky" as western guys and are much less assuming. They tend to be a little more reserved, shy and perhaps conservative...but they still would love to have a try with a western woman (if they're single that is-- want to stress here: don't go out and break up homes in china now western girls!).

to be continued in next post (it's long)

Post by: deliberate  Time: 24-Oct-2008  8:05
cont'd from last post:

Post by: deliberate  Time: 24-Oct-2008  8:05
I'm married to a Chinese man (from China). He's pretty atypical for a Chinese man if you think of most Chinese men as you've all described above...But I'd venture to say there are plenty like him.

He's tall (over 6 feet tall) and weighs almost 200 lbs and LOVES to go to the gym. He's really independant (not easy to push this guy around) BUT he's fiercely loyal and does think my opinion as his wife matters with important decisions and so he does ask me. His traditional little cultural inuendos and quirks are just endearing and provide me with a great learning opportunity about him and his culture and humanity (and help me constantly look at myself)...

Now, that being said...I wondered (painstakingly) as I walked the streets in China what the hell American or western women are thinking? Where are their heads? up their asses? (sorry girls...I have to ask this) bEcause there really are some HOT guys there!!!! And ones that are worth asking out if you (and they) are single!!

If you NEVER ask them out or present a situation where they can ask YOU, then you'll never know how delightful an experience a Chinese man is!!! You just have to give it a go and see for yourself!!!! It's wonderful!!!

What do I like about my Chinese man?

1. Smooth skin (I don't like hairy guys like my mother does)
2. Skin tone is beautiful
3. His scent is amazingly alluring (light and NEVER stinky or musky-- NOT strong).
4. Hard-working
5. mostly values my opinion as his wife/significant other about major decisions
6. shares housework duties without complaint (he's neater than I am)
7. He's a GREAT COOK and he takes pride in his cooking (and enjoys cooking for me)
8. diligent and loyal
9. He's not a sleeze bag (while I've seen him looking at other women, he's not a slobbering dog like other guys I've been with in the past)...he keeps it respectful and natural...nothing too wierd...(and btw, I look at other guys too, but I keep it respectful).
10. he doesn't drink or smoke (that's his personal thing...not because he's Chinese)
11. He is a GREAT father (very involved with the baby/child) and has a close relationship with his father and mother (and sis).
12. Values family a LOT
13. NOT AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT (the seeming latest VIRUS rampant in western (at least American) society.
14. he is somewhat traditional and structured (which offers me structure that as an only child of 2 divorced parents...is something I personally dig...and need.
15. devoted in many areas of his life that are important-- father, son, husband, employee, student, etc.

16. HIS Black, chinese hair ( I LOVE running my hands through it).

17. He's so very handsome and innocent in a sexual way (together, these things are very endearing).

18. He's passionate and...when he's hot he's hot (in the sack) and yes...he's good but I had to teach him a lot. but that's okay! Any man can learn!!!

18. He is SEXY!!

19. really committed to the end to the marriage-- doesn't believe in giving up easily and divorcing-- of course that can be good or bad depending upon each individual's situation. In mine I appreciate that! It's a form of real deep devotion to our marriage and I know he would rather do anything than to lose our relationship (and that it's important for our baby/child) to have mommy and daddy there both (he's an extremely involved and concerned father and would never want to be separated from his children).
Post by: deliberate  Time: 24-Oct-2008  8:08
cont'd from last post:

WHAT I'm not crazy about (about my CHinese man):

1. Not overly affectionate in public (I don't need a deep wet kiss in pubilc but I do like holding hands, a guy's arm over me or a look or quick little kiss at times-- not worrying about what others think (we're working on this and he does try) :) Lucikly I'm a little shy in public too...so a little goes a long way with me. It's hard for me because at times I felt like he was rejecting me and it hurt...made me angry and caused us to get in a fight. I felt he was embarassed to show other (esp. women) that he and I were together...but I don't believe in the end that was it... it was people in general and he's more shy than I am used to...so I've come to understand a little more not to take it so personally and he's come to learn that "hey, you've married a western girl-- and this western girl demands at least a little affection in public."

2. doesn't seem very sensitive about my feelings sometimes when it comes to (well, personal things or when we get into an argument. He can really come across as being so cold! I have to really get on him about it and sometimes it frustrates me (but we're getting better). I've come to learn that even though he's good at making me believe he's cold sometimes-- it's just an act he puts on to show me he's tough and to make me think he's not vulnerable and I can't hurt or affect him. But that wall has broken down before-- I've seen it. come down and he's cried and told me that it's just an act to make me believe. so...he's got a heart in there! but I still don't like the cold act. AT times it showed by him not talking to me for hours (he doesn't do that any more)...I really got angry at him for that.

3. Sex-- he's a challenge in this area... he does GREAT when he finally opens up and tries something I'm suggesting...but mostly he refuses or expresses discontent in trying something new like oral Ihe does not like doing that and that's really a bummer for me but I'm still trying to get him to try) - or slowing down or something-- but when he's good he's SUPER good. I would agree with some who say that Chinese men aren't tuned in with the womens' needs in general...so that's perhaps why women don't "get off" according to the polls in China...he did come across as selfish in this regard at first...and it made me really upset, but he apologized...and said that it was because his experience is really lacking so i had to teach him...and as long as he is willing to try/learn to do better to please his woman...that's most important. SO, I'd say he's a little too conservative or uncomfortable exploring here... (we're working on this area and he DOES make an effort to try). again, I remember it's his culture and they're not super open like some of us are in the west (america from my experience). When he finally got something right, I really told him I appreciated it and I showed him how happy I was and WOW was I happy because it was SOOOO good!!! Then he does it better and better! It was like my hard work paid off and I got to taste the fruits of my labor haha :) (teaching him). awesome!!
Post by: deliberate  Time: 24-Oct-2008  8:08
LAST ONE: Cont'd from last post:

And BTW, whoever thinks that Chinese men as a rule have small penises....is wrong. They are really no different than the white/caucasian guys....some small, some big-- mostly average. I have dated another Chinese guy long time ago-- and a couple of friends have as well. Some are BIG! Some are average. Never saw a really small one! The smallest (and I mean really teeny tiny) guy I've ever seen was a white guy...incredibly small. (and that doesn't mean all white guys are small obviously)! WHO STARTED this lame rumor about chinese guys and small penises? HA! shows what little people know or are interested in finding out. I have a theory that white guys started that little story to keep their women out of CHinese guys' pants while they were scouting out the chinese chicks. So, you have generations of western women who believe Chinese men are effeminate and have small penises. No wonder they aren't attracted to Chinese men! haha whatever!!

4. sometimes...cultural differences do make things challenging for us...sometimes he does feel very uncomfortable or worried that I ask for or talk about sex with him more than he does...it makes him wonder if I'm oversexed or doing something outside of the relationship (which I am not). Because Chinese women probably don't talk that openly about sex or about what they want or need specifically (and I DO)... he's getting used to it but it's not easy for him.

5. another cultural thing-- his family comes from a completely different background than mine...they're poor and live in the countryside... and often when they're having some difficulties and my husband has to go help them-- he gets grumpy with me probably because he's stressed... because i cannot relate to his hardships if I'm not with him, I sometimes come acrossed as "selfish" to him (when I really do not mean to be). Once, he had to send me pictures of his parents' home being knocked down so the gov't could make a road through it-- and he had to knock all the building down with a sledge hammer!!!! by hand!!! I couldn't really understand the seriousness of it until he sent me the pictures and a few video clips of him working. Then I was there and I could relate more. It's not always easy to relate to what they're going through...so it seems that he's a drama queen but it's only because I didn't understand the circumstance fully. I couldn't have...I'm American and I've never lived through most of those things before. But, once he lets me in on it...I can appreciate it better.

6. He has a TEMPER. WHen he YELLS HE YELLS and he has no shame...a little bit like white trash behavior so it's embarassing to me sometimes. We're working on that one. haha If he gets mad, he'll yell in public (I really hate that and I walk away but then he gets more mad)...it's a tricky one-- but not necessarily specific to Chinese guys...maybe just him? AFter all, he is a DRAGON in Chinese astrology and I don't hold much water to that stuff...but my friend swears by it and says that he is the perfect picture of a Fire dragon (which he is).

I guess that's it...?

Language is not really an issue. We find ways around that EASILY even if we're angry with each other. No prob. actually it probably (like culture sometimes) acts as a buffer...to keep us thinking and calming down before we go right into a disagreement. We make sure we know what the other is saying before we respond and so it gives us more time to react/respond.

Hope that was helpful :)

remember to look at the glass half full instead of half empty!!
Post by: ScubaSteve  Time: 24-Oct-2008  9:33
Wow, that sounds like you have a rather dysfunctional marriage. You openly admit that you and your husband have communication problems, he not sensitive to your physical needs and resorts to childish temper tantrums when angry and unable to express himself in more eloquent ways.
Marriage counseling perhaps?
And perhaps the "rumor" about Chinese dude w/ small wangs was started by physicians who state that "on average" Asian dudes members are one inch smaller. These are the same doctors who claim that black men "on average" have longer dongers.

Case and point: Edison Chen . . .
Post by: Hot Pot   Time: 24-Oct-2008  9:38
I am a tall, "large-boned" Western girl. I always thought Chinese guys were afraid of me, cause I probably weigh more than most of the guys I typically see in the street. By Western standards, I'm fairly normal in size.

Anyhoo, I have actually found that Chinese guys are interested. At least curious. In fact, I go to get normal Chinese body massages and my massage guy has decided he quite likes me and has asked to date me. My Mandarin is still pretty basic and he can't speak English, but I gather that what's on offer is free massages if I date him.

And while he is not my type, I have to say, it's a tempting offer...:-)

One of my Canadian friends dated a Chinese guy for 6 months. She said he was so good to her, cooked and cleaned, so thoughtful and attentive. I think she got bored of being treated so good after a while though. She said the lovin' was nothing to write home about though.
Post by: Da_Kontrak ...  Time: 24-Oct-2008  9:46
Ha ha ha, dis is hilarious and totally confirms wat I wuz sayin' before. Chinese mans don't go don't on da ladies, deys don't know the joy of it, and most are scared of it for some reason. Dat's because China culture just ain't sensual, it's just baby-ish, just look at dey pop culture, so sappy and boring, everybody so weak and shy, it is pathetic! I seen good looking Chinese guy before, but it's like 1% is good lookin', de other ones is like 12 year old bodies wit bad acne faces, or fat little monsters ha ha ha! But anyways, I know dis girl likes her husband, but all da foreign girls I talks to would never go out wit a Chinese. I wish they would write on dis post cuz its more about dem ya know! I know dat Chinese girls is cute, but dey are such a headache, and are a lil' ignorant of the world outside, plus, dey is even more unfit then da boys, so even if they thin, they are also extremely soft and weak, dat's a big turn off! We foreign boys dig tha looks at first, but most Chinese girls get boring fast, not to say dat there no cool ones out there....